July 16, 2011

So people say that God's a guy, right? So that means He has a penis then. What does he use it for? Does he pee? If yes, then what is God drinking? Space juice, I guess. Does he pee into a toilet or just let it rip into the cosmos? Probably the cosmos because, really, space is like an infinitely large, public swimming pool.

If not the cosmos, then you have to attempt to explain where God's toilet exists which would likely be in God's bathroom which is in God's house and pretty soon the explanation has spiralled out of control and your talking about God's planet that He lives on next to his neighbour who he doesn't like because he's always leaving cardboard out to be picked up for recycling but doesn't break it down into small enough pieces so it doesn't get picked up and it just sits on the curb getting wrinkly from the rain.

Then God has to go next door to tell him that he has to break it down and he also wants to bring up the fact that He doesn't like it when the guy mows his lawn on Sunday's but God doesn't want to come off as a dick but he already has even though He had to say something because everyone on the block has been complaining.

Even before all that occurs there's an even more important contradiction in that if God has always existed and will always exist and will never change then how do you explain His ability to pee? His bladder would at some point be empty and then would fill up to the point where he'd have to take a gnarly wizz thus meaning He was in a state of becoming.

He could just pee into a black hole. According to physics the gravitational pull of a black hole is so strong that not even light can escape it so I'm sure that God's pee fits into that catagory. Maybe he makes a game out of it. Like, sometimes he forces the pee out really hard to see if he can shoot it across the event horizon without it going in. Or He might arc it over top to see at what point the gravitational pull starts to take effect. Or maybe He just pees near it and delights in watching it get sucked in.

Does God's masturbate? That seems fairly hypocritical considering that we're apparently not allowed. I assume it would probably be like when you catch your mom and dad doing something that they've told you you're not suppose to do and they give you that condecending answer, "Only grown ups can do this" or "When you're older, you can do this." Does God ejaculate? Hmmm... too many questions. I think I'll need to sleep on this one.

July 14, 2011

My leg blew up yesterday. I was playing baseball. Correction: I was playing softball. The distinction between the two should be made by each versions compared ball size rather than their softness because one is hard and the other slightly less hard but not so much that it should be called soft. If I had company staying the night and I was short pillows, I'm not sure how appreciative said company would be if I offered them a softball in lue of a pillow.

Regardless, my leg blew up while I was running to first base. It didn't blow up literally obviously but between me hitting the ball and arriving safely at first, something went horribly wrong. It felt like, 'streeeeeeeeeeetch pop.' Then I almost barfed.

I hobbled back to my bench where I sat pissed about the whole situation on a number of levels. Let's explore them. First off, most directly, immediately and obviously, it really hurt hence my stomach panicing and very nearly emptying itself of its contents.

Second, the stupid injury occured in the first inning of my first at bat on the first pitch meaning that I not only would I miss playing that rest of the game but I had injured myself so early on that I would miss the maximum amount of playing time possible. The only way I could have missed more of the game, outside of not showing up at all, is by somehow crippling myself on my way to be third base coach before my at-bat. To my credit I managed to pull myself together enough to be able to pitch and still bat, albeit with a pinch runner.

Third, and most important of all, is that I injured the only decent set of muscles in my whole body. The rest of my muscles work at at cost; literally running at the bare minimum operational requirements. You need those muscles for your arm to function? Okay, friend, you got it but that's all that they will do! Medium to heavy lifting? Out of the question. You're pushing your luck with light lifting, pal. You should have thought it through before you decided that your arms would be doing more than lateral movement.

But my thighs, no, they're different. They're well toned and built for walking and running yet during the act for which they're perfect they failed miserably. My left one, anyway. It would be like if Cornell built a robot that was designed to go to the deepest parts of the ocean but the robot itself wasn't water resistant. Also, what's up with wind breakers?

January 14, 2010

This is a piece that I've been working on for a while. It won 3rd place in Decembers Gnomon Workshop 2D contest. The 1st place winner clearly won but I still think I should have taken 2nd instead of 3rd. I thought mine was better not because I did it but because I thought the idea was more interesting and the execution more refined. It's all up to the judges on the site of course and maybe some of them just really don't like robots, I don't know. In any case, I like how it turned out.

I had envisioned a war of machines that had just ended and the highways into the capital would be lined with the broken down husks of once deadly engines of war.

I'm working on a colour version of this drawing right now. I'm really happy with how it turned out and so far the colour version is turning out really nicely as well. I'll up load it when I'm finished.

November 12, 2009

So I started doodling these huge headed, sort of caricature people the other day. I did a bunch of them and am going to do more but for right now these are just the choice nugs. They started out as just faces that I then added tiny bodies to and, arbitrarily, tentacles. However, I've since developed a whole story about them; one that I may or may not flesh out later on and write. We'll see. At any rate I'm super happy with how the colour one turned out and I might colourize the guard. My computer crapping out was sort of a mixed blessing photoshop wise because I've had to go back and remake all my custom brushes with some pleasant successes.

September 30, 2009

I really started rushing the last part of this piece; the bottom and the rendering of the kid. Plus I just noticed that forgot to shade the leaves blowing in the wind.

September 24, 2009

Sketch for my latest piece. I apologize for the clipping at the edges but it barely fit on my scanner.

September 06, 2009

This is one of a few water colour pieces I did at the con last weekend. There was also a Spiderman and Venom painting that I did however I only got a pic of the Spiderman. I'll post that when I get it off the camera.

August 31, 2009

So the Toronto Fan Expo wrapped up yesterday and a good time was had by all. Thanks to everyone who came out to enjoy the day, the celebrities, the art and especially the people dressed up as strange characters I couldn't identify. I love a few of you and I like most of you.