July 16, 2011

So people say that God's a guy, right? So that means He has a penis then. What does he use it for? Does he pee? If yes, then what is God drinking? Space juice, I guess. Does he pee into a toilet or just let it rip into the cosmos? Probably the cosmos because, really, space is like an infinitely large, public swimming pool.

If not the cosmos, then you have to attempt to explain where God's toilet exists which would likely be in God's bathroom which is in God's house and pretty soon the explanation has spiralled out of control and your talking about God's planet that He lives on next to his neighbour who he doesn't like because he's always leaving cardboard out to be picked up for recycling but doesn't break it down into small enough pieces so it doesn't get picked up and it just sits on the curb getting wrinkly from the rain.

Then God has to go next door to tell him that he has to break it down and he also wants to bring up the fact that He doesn't like it when the guy mows his lawn on Sunday's but God doesn't want to come off as a dick but he already has even though He had to say something because everyone on the block has been complaining.

Even before all that occurs there's an even more important contradiction in that if God has always existed and will always exist and will never change then how do you explain His ability to pee? His bladder would at some point be empty and then would fill up to the point where he'd have to take a gnarly wizz thus meaning He was in a state of becoming.

He could just pee into a black hole. According to physics the gravitational pull of a black hole is so strong that not even light can escape it so I'm sure that God's pee fits into that catagory. Maybe he makes a game out of it. Like, sometimes he forces the pee out really hard to see if he can shoot it across the event horizon without it going in. Or He might arc it over top to see at what point the gravitational pull starts to take effect. Or maybe He just pees near it and delights in watching it get sucked in.

Does God's masturbate? That seems fairly hypocritical considering that we're apparently not allowed. I assume it would probably be like when you catch your mom and dad doing something that they've told you you're not suppose to do and they give you that condecending answer, "Only grown ups can do this" or "When you're older, you can do this." Does God ejaculate? Hmmm... too many questions. I think I'll need to sleep on this one.

July 14, 2011

My leg blew up yesterday. I was playing baseball. Correction: I was playing softball. The distinction between the two should be made by each versions compared ball size rather than their softness because one is hard and the other slightly less hard but not so much that it should be called soft. If I had company staying the night and I was short pillows, I'm not sure how appreciative said company would be if I offered them a softball in lue of a pillow.

Regardless, my leg blew up while I was running to first base. It didn't blow up literally obviously but between me hitting the ball and arriving safely at first, something went horribly wrong. It felt like, 'streeeeeeeeeeetch pop.' Then I almost barfed.

I hobbled back to my bench where I sat pissed about the whole situation on a number of levels. Let's explore them. First off, most directly, immediately and obviously, it really hurt hence my stomach panicing and very nearly emptying itself of its contents.

Second, the stupid injury occured in the first inning of my first at bat on the first pitch meaning that I not only would I miss playing that rest of the game but I had injured myself so early on that I would miss the maximum amount of playing time possible. The only way I could have missed more of the game, outside of not showing up at all, is by somehow crippling myself on my way to be third base coach before my at-bat. To my credit I managed to pull myself together enough to be able to pitch and still bat, albeit with a pinch runner.

Third, and most important of all, is that I injured the only decent set of muscles in my whole body. The rest of my muscles work at at cost; literally running at the bare minimum operational requirements. You need those muscles for your arm to function? Okay, friend, you got it but that's all that they will do! Medium to heavy lifting? Out of the question. You're pushing your luck with light lifting, pal. You should have thought it through before you decided that your arms would be doing more than lateral movement.

But my thighs, no, they're different. They're well toned and built for walking and running yet during the act for which they're perfect they failed miserably. My left one, anyway. It would be like if Cornell built a robot that was designed to go to the deepest parts of the ocean but the robot itself wasn't water resistant. Also, what's up with wind breakers?